As I was growing up, I often heard the following from my dad in regard to myself.
"If she didn't have something to worry about, she'd worry about that."
This comment is patently true. I wish that were not my nature, and try as I may to overcome that particular penchant, it seems I sadly cannot.
Recently I have said more times than I wish were true to Left Brain "I do not understand why (insert person's name) would do such a thing/speak such a way/behave such a way...I would never do that."
Left Brain then admonishes me..."You need to learn to stop looking at other's through the prism of what you would or would not do. They are not you, they don't react as you do, or think as you do."
This is very true as much as I hate hearing it.
You see...I could hate you with a deep, seething passion and you would never know it. If I had to converse with you, I would be coolly cordial to you. Kind but without warmth. I would speak to you, but I would speak to you as if I was attempting to feel your demeanor out before continuing.
Recently I have had two very vivid examples of the old stop prism looking admonition, although I have had many in my past...these two are what lead me to this post today.
I am a very political person. What sport and sporting events are to some, politics are to me. I love reading about it, studying it. I love debating it. I will debate til the horse is not only beaten but beaten to dust. I energizes me and while the debate is civil, I will continue to be civil in the debated topic. When it veers to the ugly, I will go there too sometimes. But when someone begins belittling my character for my difference in view, there...I draw the line. I will be done.
Recently a family member posted something I had a differing view on, on their Facebook page. Their thought was basically that as Christians if someone was threatening us with bodily harm we should love them, talk to them and use our words, not weapons, to stop them. Afterall, in their view, there is NO Bible verse telling us it is ok to protect ourselves in such a manner. Nehemiah 4:17 may contradict this, however...
I am sorry (not) but I feel that if someone is attempting to hurt my family or myself, I would protect myself. I replied with that same view, stating that I can't believe they would try and talk and pray someone out of this act.
The brother of this family member came at me hammer and tong. Told me my reading comprehension was lacking, that I was a poor Christian. He actually states that he unfollowed me on Facebook (oh brother) due to my posts. That the reason there is so much unrest in the black community is because people like me said something when blacks were kneeling during our national anthem. Because we said, vehemently, we felt this was wrong, they now have no other course of action than to riot, loot, destroy property, inflict harm on others, take over city blocks etc.
I could debate this topic with this pseudo socialist and indisputable Pharisee for time and eternity. However, when he went on the personal attack. Calling me, his aunt...a poor Christian, the cause of civil unrest, a petulant child and a dullard is not what this aunt will put up with.
I told him he was rude, sanctimonious and that I would never talk to him in such a manner...that I was done discussing this with him ever. I then blocked him on Facebook. I no longer see him, he no longer sees me online. I decided several years ago that I no longer need, nor will put up with toxic people in my life. This person...is toxic to me.
It is better for me health-wise as well as emotion-wise to not deal or dwell on such things. But being me and having to have something to worry about, I did. I worried, then worried some more and then had myself a heaping side dish of more worry.
My sister, his mother, and I often don't jive. Never have actually, and I'm fine with that. My sisters see me through the prism of my mother. My mother's prism sees me as flawed, aggravating, the black sheep, not a good enough Christian. My sisters tend to view me the same. I still worried about this sister seeing this particular give and take and didn't want her hurt. My prism says, 'I hope I didn't hurt her, this is not about her.'
I looked at Left Brain...I said, "why would this person say this to me? I don't agree with him politically at all, religiously rarely, but I would NEVER do that to him. Never. Love doesn't behave that way."
Left Brain looked at me and said, "You need to learn to stop looking at others through the prism of what you would or would not do. They are not you, they don't react as you do, or think as you do. You wouldn't be mean to someone you love, he would. Different prism."
Fast forward to yesterday.
A woman I work with and see from time to time (different building at the university from me) was to be in a meeting in a very high tech room here on the campus. This woman is so very cordial to me, and always happily throws a sweet greeting to me whenever she sees me. Left Brain always says to me, "your position will make people treat you differently. You have the boss' ear. People will act cordial to you for what you can perhaps do for them, but watch them in that."
The boss told me we were to hold a meeting with all the department heads regarding the Covid virus and what our reopening plans were to be. My boss is THE boss. He demanded a meeting at 4:00 p.m. that day. She had other plans for 4:00 that day and so was angry with him for scheduling a meeting when she wanted to be gone.
I had all the department heads, and herself, in the room except for one that was in Texas visiting family. He wanted to call in so I had to schedule a Zoom meeting.
I go to the assigned, high tech room and dial into the zoom meeting only to find all the plugs are disengaged from the IT in the overhead mics and cameras in the room.. I look to her, the "director" of IT and say, "I'm sorry, I don't know what to do with all these cords and dongles." She huffs at me. She won't even get up to help because she is angry with my boss. Not only that, man-like, because she is put out with my boss for making her be there, she begins taking it out on me. Talking rough and being of no help, not even offering, when it is her job to do so.
I finally call someone from her department who has to come to our building to fix this. She sat smugly and hatefully.
I came back to my office, sad, upset, disappointed and irked. So she was having a bad day, this was not my fault. If I had been the one having a bad day I would never take it out on her as she did on me. I would never growl and grimace at her for any reason. I would always be diplomatic and helpful. I would not have treated her so.
What was I going to do going forward, I worried. Why would she do this to me, I worried. What did the people in the meeting think of her attitude toward me, I worried. This is apparently my process. My process sucks!
Left Brain...'why would this person say this to me? I did nothing to warrant this. Her job is IT, it is not my job...she runs this room. Why would she be so hateful to someone who is innocent of upsetting her?'
"You need to learn to stop looking at others through the prism of what you would or would not do. They are not you, they don't react as you do, or think as you do. You wouldn't be mean to someone you have respect for, she would. Different prism."
So as is my wont, I worried for about 3 hours and took what Left Brain says to heart. I decided to take pride in the fact that this is not how I would have handled the situation of the person. I also decided that I have no need to interact in a light social way with this woman ever again. I will work with her. I will be coolly cordial. I will be diplomatic, but what I will not be is happy to see her nor pretend I am.
And so, in all this I am finding that Left Brain's words on prisms is helping me with my worry. As I age this is also becoming easier, but it is his words that speak to me the most. Realizing that being a good person, one who wouldn't attack without provocation or for a difference in worldview....that's a darn good prism.
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