One thing I can, and never will be able to understand is how a mother can cut off her children. My ex-husband's sister did that. I used to look at her and think, "you fool, the things you miss, the things you will never know, the heart fillings you're missing out on." She got older, her child's life continued, full and happy, so who did she hurt in the long run? Herself. Oh, I'm sure he (her child) was hurt as well, but not nearly as much as she would be. One day she will look back and think, "why?"
I've been written off by two people in my life. The first one, and the one I actually struggled to deal with, was my youngest son. To this day I do not know why he decided to write me off. One day he seemed fine, the next...nothing. I was informed he would no longer be in contact or want anything to do with me. This was his choice and not mine. It caused me a lot of confusion and hurt...at first. It no longer does. Oh...there are times (holidays, his birthday) that I think of him and then shelve it. It is for the best. This is HIS choice, not my own. Should he come back and say, "mom I love you, I need to *insert whatever* and be in your life...I'd open my arms and heart. But if he does not, I have come to learn that is ok too. Some of the things in his life have caused me undue stress...and my health, well, it can't take it.
The other person who wrote me off, and probably truly has all my life is my mother. I could write a novel on this woman. She has always been a negative person, and I honestly think that is fine with her. I have often been asked, "how did you end up so positively charged when raised by a negative being?" I think my sister, Bink, said it best. "We learned how NOT to parent, or be, by watching her."
I find myself often puzzled by why my father married her. I wonder if he wouldn't have been happier married to another person, one who liked joy and music. One who liked silliness and loud, belly laughs. Ah well, I'm getting off on a tangent here.
My mother feels a type of love for some things. My sisters. She does love them. I've watched her love them. So yes, while it is not a typical mother/child love, it is a love of sorts. She adores my children. I didn't do anything other than THEM right in her eyes. While breast feeding them as babies she informed me "that is something dirty whores and filthy animals do." Yep, that's her. It's a possessive love she feels toward them. She loves my grandbabies, who wouldn't...they're beyond wonderful. But other than that...really??? She loves not much. Not even within her own definition of love.
I often wondered, as a child, what it was about me that made her feel such awful and ugly things about me. I wasn't a child that strayed far afield of my boundaries. Shoot, we were all too afraid to do that. I didn't cause trouble at home, church or school. But it was always there, and I felt it. I knew it. Disdain. Judgement. Cold and harsh. My aunts and uncles could feel it. Several of them on both sides of the family have told me so.
Fast forward to today. Since I divorced my husband, a man my mother was continually avowing to others was too good for me it has become worse. She felt he was someone I didn't deserve. I met a man who makes me happier and stronger, and moved in with him. Mom sees it as SIN, I see it as economically sound. My mother also found out that the son that has disowned me is gay. This child was her favorite...well, what I thought was disdain before all this happened has fallen to the wayside and become something infinitely uglier.
Recently, my grandmother passed away. Left Brain and I drove to the funeral and as my one aunt said, upon my entrance it was as if my mother had swallowed a mouth of alum. This same aunt has since informed me that my mother believes I was swapped with another child at the hospital. That I could not be hers. That some other woman was raising HER child.
The humor in that last statement is huge. If one could see a photo of me and my sisters there is no denying we are sisters.
I'll just say I've written a lot about about her coldness to me...but you can't miss what you've never had. I've never had the warm, friendly, loving mother. I've always had a cool, harsh one. That's the one I know. And yes, the one I love. People find that hard to believe, but you can love someone, respect them, but not like them. And that is where I am at.
What I learned from my mother is this...
~People who should love you don't always. That's ok. There are people in your world who will step in and take that place in some manner, if you allow them to.
~Children were made for kisses and cuddles..."I love you's" and long singing sessions at the top of your lungs...just because it feels good. Happy memories are made of these things.
~People who matter, will. It doesn't matter what you do, or what straits you find yourself in, those that matter, and to whom YOU matter, will be there for you. When you find one of those people...hang on to them for all its worth, and it is worth a lot!
~If you haven't made someone happy in 53 years of trying, you probably never will. Don't try it their way, you did that for too long...try it your way and find your way to happy.
~Attitude is a choice...why not choose a happy, love-filled one.
~You cannot change what is happening around you at times, but what you can change is your reaction to it.
Life's a ride. Finding the people who make you a better you, those are the people you want to be with. I love those that find me unlovable. As I've aged, I'm finding I am ok with that.
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