It could be the flu shot that kept me from work today and has made me feel nauseated and ill for the past two days…
It could be that I’ve been pretty sad and lonely for the past several months
It could be that I feel a disconnect with other people, and miss having a large social circle
But it is none of those things that keep me awake tonight. It is the devastation I feel when thinking of my boys.
I have two boys. Two beautiful boys that brought me nothing but joy after I realized the best way to parent was not the way I was parented. It took me a few years to catch on to that fact, but once I did, how I enjoyed those boys.
Son two no longer speaks to me, reviles me and has no qualms in not only sharing that with others but has in the past, and will likely again, tried to destroy me via his anger towards me. I have long ago decided, as son one tells me, that having someone that angry and toxic in my life is not good for me and that God was, indeed, likely being merciful TO me.
I pray for him when I talk to my God, though and hope that his life is full, that he has love in his life, that his work is rewarding and that despite what it is he hates me for, somewhere deep down inside him, he knows no matter what he does, part of me will forever love him. It was during this prayer that it all started.
Thoughts of son two segued into thoughts of weddings. Bear with me here. Son number one is now dating a girl that I truly believe is actually worthy of him. He was married before to a little mousy girl that was never satisfied, easily bored, and ready for something new and exciting (the last new and exciting thing being an odd looking man of low character and low means). This was never what son number one was destined for. He tends to the ornery and he has found a girl now that keeps him on his toes. I am trying not to like her too much because who knows. Next month, next year she could be gone, and that would break my heart, but yes...I like her a lot. I could love her a lot...if given the chance.
So weddings...should son number one fall totally in love with this girl and marry her, in all likelihood I would again see son number two at a wedding. This segued into thoughts of what he would do
It could be that I’ve been pretty sad and lonely for the past several months
It could be that I feel a disconnect with other people, and miss having a large social circle
But it is none of those things that keep me awake tonight. It is the devastation I feel when thinking of my boys.
I have two boys. Two beautiful boys that brought me nothing but joy after I realized the best way to parent was not the way I was parented. It took me a few years to catch on to that fact, but once I did, how I enjoyed those boys.
Son two no longer speaks to me, reviles me and has no qualms in not only sharing that with others but has in the past, and will likely again, tried to destroy me via his anger towards me. I have long ago decided, as son one tells me, that having someone that angry and toxic in my life is not good for me and that God was, indeed, likely being merciful TO me.
I pray for him when I talk to my God, though and hope that his life is full, that he has love in his life, that his work is rewarding and that despite what it is he hates me for, somewhere deep down inside him, he knows no matter what he does, part of me will forever love him. It was during this prayer that it all started.
Thoughts of son two segued into thoughts of weddings. Bear with me here. Son number one is now dating a girl that I truly believe is actually worthy of him. He was married before to a little mousy girl that was never satisfied, easily bored, and ready for something new and exciting (the last new and exciting thing being an odd looking man of low character and low means). This was never what son number one was destined for. He tends to the ornery and he has found a girl now that keeps him on his toes. I am trying not to like her too much because who knows. Next month, next year she could be gone, and that would break my heart, but yes...I like her a lot. I could love her a lot...if given the chance.
So weddings...should son number one fall totally in love with this girl and marry her, in all likelihood I would again see son number two at a wedding. This segued into thoughts of what he would do
1. To ruin his brothers wedding an attempt to be vindictive and hurtful to me.
2. How could I keep this from happening?
3. How what he would share would likely hurt my mother and sisters. Sisters I don’t care so much about, they are big girls but hurtful things said to an 82 year old, sickish woman are another thing entirely.
I even went so far as to think how Left Brain and I could excuse ourselves after the service to keep this from happening. Not only could son number two ruin a day of beauty for son one and his bride, but it could devastate an old lady. An old lady who still cries over him and wishes he were somehow near.
This then became thoughts of son one turning 40. I had such happy things I wanted to do for him for his 40th. I even talked to his girl about them. She sounded on board for anything I wanted to do that was nice for him. But I then began thinking of why those good things could never happen.
I had thought to invite him to a family dinner at a local restaurant. Book the whole upstairs of the place. Tell him we were having a dinner there to celebrate his birthday. When he arrived...SURPRISE! I could have his friends there and he would love that so very much. He is super social, and loves laughter and people about him.
My second thought was to try to get my grandchildren, his children, over here and pick through photos to make up a book for him, have it printed and bound with their words to go with the photos they chose. The girlfriend thought this an exceptional idea too and said she thought that is something he’d truly enjoy.
Here’s why it could never happen.
I HAVE NO CLUE WHO HIS FRIENDS ARE! I do not know names. I wouldn’t know who to call. This hit me like a bolt from the blue. It is why I am sitting here now at 1:30 a.m. I couldn't name one!
I asked many times recently about seeing his kids then to try and work out the book thing, kept telling him I was lonely for them (I truly am...I am actually having withdrawal. It is that bad) so that he would perhaps bring them by to talk to them about it….I even emailed my 12 year old grandson to tell him we had to talk about this for his dad….only to not hear back from him….so that was nixed too.
It then occurs to me that I could have called my son’s father (my ex) to ask him who to invite. You see, he knows our son's friends.
This then became thoughts of son one turning 40. I had such happy things I wanted to do for him for his 40th. I even talked to his girl about them. She sounded on board for anything I wanted to do that was nice for him. But I then began thinking of why those good things could never happen.
I had thought to invite him to a family dinner at a local restaurant. Book the whole upstairs of the place. Tell him we were having a dinner there to celebrate his birthday. When he arrived...SURPRISE! I could have his friends there and he would love that so very much. He is super social, and loves laughter and people about him.
My second thought was to try to get my grandchildren, his children, over here and pick through photos to make up a book for him, have it printed and bound with their words to go with the photos they chose. The girlfriend thought this an exceptional idea too and said she thought that is something he’d truly enjoy.
Here’s why it could never happen.
I HAVE NO CLUE WHO HIS FRIENDS ARE! I do not know names. I wouldn’t know who to call. This hit me like a bolt from the blue. It is why I am sitting here now at 1:30 a.m. I couldn't name one!
I asked many times recently about seeing his kids then to try and work out the book thing, kept telling him I was lonely for them (I truly am...I am actually having withdrawal. It is that bad) so that he would perhaps bring them by to talk to them about it….I even emailed my 12 year old grandson to tell him we had to talk about this for his dad….only to not hear back from him….so that was nixed too.
It then occurs to me that I could have called my son’s father (my ex) to ask him who to invite. You see, he knows our son's friends.
This saddens me to the core. My ex has been to concerts with our son's friends, he has been to our son’s friends homes. Shoot, one Fourth of July we ran into my ex, my son, my grandkids and some friends of my son's to find that my ex had been invited to their get together and fireworks afterwards.
My son never even offered to introduce me to his friends. I cried all the way home about that. All that night it was like a tattoo on my heart. He is ashamed of you. You are less than less to him. He loves his dad so much more.
So I sit here at 1:00 am.
So I sit here at 1:00 am.
Thinking.
Thinking a lot.
Realizing.
Realizing a lot
- Son 1 thinks more of his father than he does me. Oh, he loves me. I know he loves me. He doesn’t THINK of me. If I am a thought at all, I am not much of one. Nope, when it comes to me, he is thoughtless unless I am needed for something. He likely never will.
- Son 1 feels a need to protect, entertain, and engage with his father because he feels my ex is alone and I have Left Brain...or maybe that is me projecting that need. Perhaps it really is that he loves him more.
- My ex takes full advantage of son one’s need to protect him, just as he doesn’t feel the need to tell son number two that he needs to knock off the horribly vindictive, slightly off behavior he chooses to let eat him up.
- I don’t know the names or have never met son one’s friends because he chooses that I will not. I do not know the why of this, nor does son one allow me the opportunity to ask. If I try to have a real conversation with him, he refuses to participate or he gets defensive and seemingly edgy, so I avoid it.
- I think realizing this tonight has hurt me a great deal
- The girlfriend has likely seen the ex 10 x to 1 in seeing me. I am going to ask about this. What could it hurt?
What has all this pondering taught me? It has taught me where I have been placed. I don’t deserve the placement. It has taught me the only reason I will put up with it is to be able to hopefully see my grandchildren. It has taught me that my life turned out not one iota of what I thought it would be.
But it has also taught me this…
When you think that your heart cannot be broken any more than it already is...it can be.
But it has also taught me this…
When you think that your heart cannot be broken any more than it already is...it can be.
When you wish you could have a grown up conversation with your very grown up son, you should be able to.
When you can take no more...you shouldn’t.
When it is time to give up...you should.
